Sex isn't dating
by speakingwordsofwisdom
Summary: Brittana."According to Santana, nothing is dating.It isn't just sex.  Linking pinkies in the hall is not dating, even if they spend more time with their pinky fingers linked than they do unlinked..."
1. Chapter 1

According to Santana, nothing is dating.

Sex isn't dating, which makes sense, because Brittanys slept with a ton of boys, and notdated a single one.

But it isn;t just sex.

Linking pinkies in the hall is not dating, even if they spend more time with their pinky fingers linked than they do unlinked.

Goodnight and good morning texts are not dating.

Long, heart to hearts over the phone is not dating.

Curling up together on the sofa to watch tv, and lying with your head in her lap as she reads to you or you read to her is not dating.

Sleeping together is not dating- not sex, that doesn't mean sleeping, but sharing a bed because sleeping cuddled up together is way better than sleeping alone.

Notes in each others lockers and "i saw this and thought of you" presents are not dating.

You know this isn't dating because you don't really do any of this stuff with Artie and you definitly are dating him.

(Sometimes, you wonder why dating Artie feels more like work than fun. Ever since you tried to help him, and slept with him, ever since he looked at you coldly and made you feel like the worst person in the world, you've been determined to fix it. You HAVE to date Artie, because you feel like you owe him now, and you're afraid that if you break up with him, it'll make you a Bad Person, like last time, something you never want to go through again)

So when Santana says she loves you, you tell her you're going to stay dating Artie.

Because if you keep dating Artie, you can carry on not dating Santana, right?

You can carry on the looks, the phone calls, the notes, the cuddling and her sweet kisses and everything else you love...right?

When it doesn't happen like that, when you suddenly find yourself not not-dating Santan, you lock yourself in your bedroom and cry until your heart is raw.


	2. Chapter 2

After the fifth day, you realise something.

This probably isn't going to go away.

Unlike all your other problems, which you are usually able to leave alone to sort themsleves out, this will not fix itself.

No, it won't. Because all your other problems? Failing grades and kids who called you names and occaisional fear that you had no future outside waiting tables and cleaning houses- they didn't sort themselves out, not really.

It was Santana, after all, who started helping you with your homework in second grade, and then just carried on ever since.

It was after Santana found out that Dave Karovsky had called you a stupid slut that he turned up at school one day with a nasty looking scratch across his cheek and treated you with a wary courtesy ever since

And even though you never told Santana just how afraid you were of life passing you by, it was just the absolute certainty that no matter what, she'd always be in your life that stopped even the possibility of no future being too terrifying.  
>Because, when it came down to it? You'd choose Santana over any kind of future, any day.<p>

This problem- this not-eating, not-sleeping, not-moving, not-talking, crying and aching pain in your chest that wont go away and just gets worse the longer it goes on for- it won't go away.

And there's the sickening fear that maybe- just maybe- it will NEVER go away, maybe there won't be a happy ending unless something changes...maybe this is just how you feel now, like you're looking at everything through a grey double layer of pain and regret and hurt and loss...

WHY, why did you ever buy into the whole sex-is-not-dating philosophy? Such a stupid cover for something so big; you love her and she loves you, why waste so much time and energy covering up the kind of closeness that some people NEVER get to experience, that, in a few years, will probably be ENVIED by the same kids who scared Santana into hiding it in the first place?

(Of course, this is a kind of reasoning that only comes later.

Not yet. Because when you knock on her door in the middle of the day, having dragged yourself out of bed at last to shower and dress and make this last attempt to regain what you've lost, you're not really thinking much of anything.

And when she answers the door, looking not much better than you do, you're barely coherent, you're hands are shaking.

"I-I want us to be not-dating again!" is all you manage to choke out, and she just looks at you.

"I MISS you, San! I want to go back to what we were,and you can call it dating or not dating or anything, I don't care, I just want us to be US again!"

"Ar-Artie?"

You haven't heard from him since you started missing school. You tell her this. There's a flicker of the old Santana in her face then- her old instinct to defend you against the world, including even neglectful boyfriends- before things like love and loyalty and fear of losing the worlds approval made you both capable of hurting each other worse than anyone else.

"So...don't you... are you...with him?"

"San, I only wanted to date Artie so i could carry on not dating you"

"What?"

"Sex isn't dating, right?" You're crying now, but so is she "Kissing isn't dating, and holding hands isn't dating and, and...being you're best friend isn't dating... If we started dating, wouldn't we have to stop all that stuff? "

"Britt-"

"Why did you just... go away from me? Why didn't you explain, why didn't you tell me? If i'd known it would've-"

"Britt! Britt, I'm sorry, i'm so sorry..."

And she's hugging you for the first time in what feels like forever, and sobbing, choking on her words, and you're hugging her back, and then neither of you are even trying to talk anymore, because it's ok, it's ok, you know what she means.

You always do.

xxx

And hours later, when you're lying entwined together on the grass in her back garden (because after being apart, you have to be together to remind yourself that now THIS is how it will be), you look up at the stars.

But tonight, you don't make a wish.

You don't need a wish when what you wouldve wished for yesterday has already come true.

XXXXXXXX

A/N I couldn't let them be unhappy, guys... Review literally made my day, btw, so thank you! :)


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